I WILL PROVIDE
I WILL PROVIDE
“I will provide”
That is what He said to me in the dark before my feet hit the floor the other morning. The ultimate trust issue He asks us all to walk. Over and over. This post is vulnerable for me. In the effort to protect their privacy and honor my kids, I will be pretty vague. What I am talking about is an issue of security and fulfillment. The last year has been a ‘doozy’ to say the least. One of continual surrender and finding Him faithful in every storm. Challenges with one of our children, and choices we never would have chosen for them, have been so painful to be in the midst of. My husband and I have grown in so much grace and knowledge of how our heavenly Father loves, in the middle of learning to let go of our desire for certain outcomes and choices. The adjustments, the letting go has felt like a ‘free fall’ …. off a cliff sometimes! I also have found a level of trust in the Lord and His provision of nearness that I’ve never experienced before. I have learned the secret of being content with Him on the water, in the storm, as the GOAL, rather than desire Him to just tell the storm to stop. Naturally that is not how a mother wants to pray! She wants the storm to stop, for something to control her child. If she can’t, and they won’t, then anything- anyone, please stop this storm and my child’s choices! But that is not how free will works. Painfully so. If we’re honest- out of one side of our mouths we complain about evil and the injustice of the world of suffering, but out of the other, we do NOT want anyone or anything to control US or take away OUR freedom to choose. BUT GOD- in His brilliance, knows we need choice. This we tend to resist many times without even knowing it by operating in a double mindedness- believing in the illusion of control over anything or anyone else besides ourselves. This rambling is simply all about surrender.
But he answered me, “My grace is always more than enough for you, and my power finds its full expression through your weakness.” So I will celebrate my weaknesses, for when I’m weak I sense more deeply the mighty power of Christ living in me.
2 Corinthians 12:9 TPT
When I felt like I came to a new precipice of letting go (which I thought I had MANY times before, and surely will again!), in the semi-conscious waking hours of one week that had felt like a continuous storm, I found the words coming out of my mouth, ‘I trust You Jesus, I TRUST you Jesus, I TRUST YOU JESUS’! More as a plea, as a declaration before I felt it, a desperation for Him to symbolically take from me this child, in order for me to stop experiencing the pain and struggle of wanting change more than I wanted HIM. Convicted in the most gentle way, I instantly felt a shift in my heart. That’s all I can describe it as. In my mind’s eye the strong silhouette of a Ram stood before me in light on a hillside. With the powerful figure before me I heard the words in my heart, ‘Look at the ram, not the sacrifice. I WILL PROVIDE’. I know in my gut the Lord Himself answered, and is too kind to describe. He offered me more than I ever could in my sacrifice of surrender. Later that morning as I was journaling about this experience He showed me so much more detail in His response about my child. The details would blow your mind, but I don’t feel at liberty to share now. Just know- HE KNOWS YOU intimately. He knows me intimately. And He that FORMED and DREAMED of yours, and my children (or whomever you are imagining in your life and mind as I am describing my situation to you right now) that you need to surrender, He knows. He has the provision of an indescribable peace already prepared and ready to release to you, REGARDLESS of your situation changing, although He might provide for that as well. I can’t explain to you the level of peace that I felt at that moment, and continue to return to. I return to it, like living water, because it is. He was just waiting for my total surrender. My desire for HIM to be enough, no matter what did or didn’t change in my circumstance. And I knew this was not just for me. I knew the enemy of our souls wants nothing more that for parents out there to STAY stuck. Stay isolated, feeling like the only one, silenced. The enemy wants us to remain hopeless, in FEAR. That is not the kingdom I’m living for. I knew I had to share for any parents out there in the ‘in between’, in the waiting for a prodigal to come home, for an only heaven solution, a healing, a radical change. For you to give up your ‘Isaac’ simply means to TRUST His provision- and that provision means trusting the possible REDEFINING of what provision looks like- Do we want Him more than what we are longing for our children, more than our children themselves, more than any storm to stop? Do we want to look to The Ram that is our provision and sacrificed more than we ever could? He is enough. I am still learning. I believe this journey of wanting to walk on water never ends. I believe it is never easy. I believe it’s the only way to truly live though. Not without pain, but with Hope. And the depth of knowing Him in it all.
I hope that something here breathes hope into you and truly- truly- if you are in an ‘Abraham’ moment of your own with your child, I would be honored to pray for you. Believe that if you need hope, or help trusting Him in it, I can lend you some, and say ‘do it again Lord’ for my friend. If that is you, please feel free to email me and I will be privileged to pray for you.
Blessings
Allison
*find original “I Will Provide” artwork HERE and prints HERE